The Cut Up - Raw Horror Movie Satisfaction!The Cut Up - Raw Horror Movie Satisfaction!The Cut Up - Raw Horror Movie Satisfaction!


Black Christmas (1974)

0 commentsSince December 25, 2007

Feast

1 commentsSince December 14, 2007

Cujo

5 commentsSince December 6, 2007

Dark Night of the Scarecrow

3 commentsSince November 26, 2007

Children of the Corn

1 commentsSince November 13, 2007

Halloween (1978)

1 commentsSince October 28, 2007

Pumpkinhead

1 commentsSince October 12, 2007

The Killer Shrews

2 commentsSince October 2, 2007

Videodrome

2 commentsSince September 15, 2007


Max is the co-founder of a local television station called Channel 83. His station is widely known for its racy content and trying to up the ante every chance it gets.

When Max stumbles onto a feed of a show called Videodrome, he can't believe his eyes when he sees a basic cable version of a snuff film and wants nothing more than for this show to become a Channel 83 exclusive.

Through twists and turns in discovering the videos roots, Max finds out that Videodrome is much more than he ever thought it could become; or that he could stomach.


"Yah! Yah!"


Videodrome is a rarity in that, not only is it a very smart film that has deep, psychological ideas about where the media was going back in 1983 but it is also a type of thriller/horror film. It will scare you, but not with that normal JUMP scare tactic; it'll root itself in your mind and make you think. (Don't worry, it still has a little bit of that gore flavor for you too.)

Videodrome brings up a very interesting topic about the human mind and how it perceives reality. Do we, as humans, really beleive television to the point where we believe it to be reality? Is what we see on television so real in our minds that it becomes our past, present and future?

A perfect blend of television ideology and fictional sci-fi. Throughout the movie, David Cronenberg makes thearoies about our relation to the media and damn near predicts the future of it. By having lines like "In the future, all of us will have special names that we'll go by". Remind anyone of the internet? Mr. Cronenberg made this movie in 1983, folks. Fictional, indeed.


"Hey, can you get Playboy on this thing? What? Snuff movies? Great..."


James Woods does a great job of trying to figure out this crazy situation and becomes a believable, resident bad ass in the process. Everyone who plays his support and antagonists do a great job to make this freaky idea believable, as well.

The music totally fits the mood of the movie, that of a dark feeling. The pacing is perfect as well. It takes a little bit for the really crazy stuff to start happening (about 50-60 minutes) but the beginning and set-up is interesting in it's own merit. Once the freaky stuff starts happening, you almost feel like the movie has taken a drastic turn into a whole new world; and you'd be right.

If you like deep rooted, thought provoking movies with a thriller/horror spin, then Videodrome is a perfect choice. Personally, I would mark this movie as a must see for everyone, not just because of it getting a Choice Cut award but because of the thought and paranoia it may provoke.

Long live the new flesh!

Write Up: Halloween (2007)

1 commentsSince September 2, 2007
It was only a few years ago that we found out Rob Zombie would be heading the new remake of Halloween. Photos and specks of information have been released throughout it's production but always left you with a mysterious feeling. Will it be good? Will it be god awful? Will it be the best Halloween movie of them all? Now, on August 31st of 2007, Halloween, the Rob Zombie brand flick is playing in theaters everywhere and we can finally find out if all the hype was worth it.

(Warning: Possible Spoilers Ahead!)


The morning of the 1st of September, I had my ticket and a hope that maybe the new movie wouldn't let down the legion of Halloween fans and the John Carpenter legacy. There is a lot riding on this movie, due to the fact that it will spawn a crap-ton of sequels if it does well. After reading a couple of negative reviews and finding out that the general consensus is "Rob Zombie doesn't know what he is doing..." I had a small idea of what i was getting into and was ready to deal with the consequences.

By the ticket taker, I walked, and armed with my fresh bag of popcorn and Pepsi (sadly, no coke) I went into theater number 12 and sat to "enjoy" the show.



The movie starts off with Micheal as a child. He has a very dysfunctional family who all sound like they're from Texas (even though they're in Illinois). In fact, the only member one he gets along with is his baby sister, whom he calls Boo. Upon first impression, I was totally reminded of House of 1,000 Corpses and prayed that it didn't go that route. Luckily, this is just the movie explaining how little Micheal become the way he is. After we see his messed up lifestyle and we see that he kills little animals for fun (several, and he has pictures too) he kills the school bully, his dad and sister, and he is put into an insane asylum.

In comes Dr. Loomis, his psychologist, who is trying figure out what is going on in this boys head. Micheal apparently doesn't remember what he did but continues on with his oddness in creating masks and murdering a nurse. His mother, after continued support, just can't take it anymore. She ends up taking her own life and leaves behind only her little daughter, Boo.

Fifteen years later, we catch up with Boo, whom is now known as Laurie. She's a typical high school girl who babysits and talks to her friends about boys. Oh yes, everything is going great for them on Halloween...until Micheal Myers escapes from his Asylum.

Throughout the day, Laurie sees him in his jumpsuit and once, her friends even make fun of him. As it gets dark, the movie then just pretty much repeats what the original did.


Starting off with the good, the movie isn't completely terrible, despite what critics are saying. The beginning with Micheal as a child was very refreshing. Part of me almost wished the whole movie was about Micheal as a child because he was much more interesting to watch than as an adult.

The cinematography in the film was good too. There were some scenes that they threw in there where I actually said "Wow, that was a nice shot!"

As far as gripes go, when he was a child, i wish they would've included a scene where little Micheal used to cut himself up badly because of his life. I feel this would've added a dynamic in the sense of "Oh, that's how he can take so much physical abuse!" As if he had built up a tolerance to pain. I felt that if you were going to explain his reasons for being the way he was, why not go all the way and try to explain it all?

The pacing is a bit lame too. I feel like him as a child was going in a very good direction and then it changes and slows the pace of the movie down to snail speed. We were cruising and learning about the mind of Micheal and then it's thrown into obscurity by the sudden change of "Okay, now it's time to start killing as an adult..."

Even though the cinematography was good in some parts, there were some scenes that were so damn dark, I had a hard time telling what was going on. I know this is a horror movie, but yeesh, most movies have a dark lighting you can at least see.

I see many people complaining about the acting but I'm not sure if I can agree with that sentiment. Sure, the original had Donald Pleasance and Jamie Lee Curtis but they became stars over time, just as these people will. Plus it's not like the acting was a perfect ten in the original. I beleive Malcolm Mcdowall did pretty good as Dr. Loomis as well. I can say, however, that I felt no bond with any of the characters except for little Micheal.

I also saw a lot of people complaining about the language. Well, it's a Rob Zombie movie, you should know what to expect from him as far as swearing and the such. As far as bad dialog goes, this is a Halloween movie about girls who like boys. Of course they're going to talk like high school girls, of course they're going to try overly hard to seem like high school girls and of course it'll be annoying. I thought the whole idea was that Micheal Myers is pulling them out of their normal environment to remind them about their mortality.

As far as going to see it, I'm iffy to pick a side. I don't regret going to see the movie at all but if you're a hardcore Halloween fan from way back, then I wouldn't bother as you will be sorely disappointed. Regardless, expect to see Halloween 2 in the next two years.

Mosquito Man

0 commentsSince August 31, 2007


A research lab is doing harmless DNA tests on Mosquito's but when a prisoner is being escorted through the area, he breaks free only to find that he has been infected with a virus from the mosquitoes that is quickly turning him into one!

He's not alone, however, as the labs scientist Jennifer, has also been infected, though at a much slower pace. The problem is, this manly mosquito is trying to mate with her!

Will her and her detective boyfriend be able to stop Mosquito Man?


"How are ya baybee?!"


Mosquito Man (or known as Mansquito to some who apparently saw it on Sci-fi first) is a mixed bag of a horror movie. While there aren't a lot of bad things you can say about it, there aren't a lot of good or great things you can say either.

The first thing I must say is for a low budget B movie, this movie actually seems to have had quite a large budget for some of the things they pulled off. Aerial camera shots, explosions, quite a bit of digital effects and a big bug suit. The special effects were pretty damn good for this B movie.

Other good things include most of the acting being decent and the death scenes are really fun. Especially as the movie progresses and the Mosquito Man develops his new abilities.


"You're cheating on me?...With a bug!?"


My biggest gripe with Mosquito Man is the dialog, honestly. It's so bland and boring that you really become disinterested by what their saying and literally saying out loud "When is the next kill?!" Luckily the death scenes are fun. Because of this, the pacing suffers and you really want to skip scenes, but won't because you're afraid of missing the Mosquito Mans next appearance.

I almost feel like the movie should have been called Mosquito Woman because it shows the chronological dealings that Jennifer has with the Virus just as much, if not more than they show the Mosquito Man killing. They could’ve even called it, When Mosquito Man met Jennifer. The plot has a lot to do with the fact that Mosquito Man is trying to mate with her because they were both infected with the virus. I wish a romantic, candlelit dinner was involved between the two.

If you like B movies in the "When [insert monster name] Attacks!" you'll probably love Mosquito Man. As a monster movie, it stands pretty well on it's feet. If you're looking for more substance, story or originality, you won't find it here. Luckily, the eye candy is there to keep you entertained.

This movie sucks... (Sorry, i had to say it.)

Friday the 13th

0 commentsSince July 26, 2007


When Camp Crystal Lake, or as the towns folk call it “Camp Blood”, is reopening for children to come and enjoy a summer full of fun, it’s in need of some counselors and a ton of repairs.

Everyone warns them about reopening the camp, with what happened, how could you want to? After all of the scary stories, the fact that there is a full moon and it’s Friday the 13th, you wouldn’t think anyone would bother. But these positive, persistent kids have dreams for Camp Crystal Lake.

They better be careful though or else they’ll just become another spooky campfire story!



This might just be me, but maybe a rain slicker would've been a good idea?


Friday the 13th is everything you'd think it is. A Campy (if you pardon the pun) fun slasher movie. However, there is something different about it. With special effects by master Tom Savini (Dawn of the Dead) you knew that it had a wake of it's own to make in the horror lake.

One of my favorite things about Friday the 13th is the music. It's calling card for scary jumps and eerie strings is a perfect fit and it really set a course for other films after it.

The pacing is also very good. It never seems to drag because you're thrown in a death scene very early in the movie and the rest of the time, you're just waiting for the next one until finally you reach the surprising climatic ending. The gore and effects were amazing for their time as well and really add to the death scenes in a way that most movies could only dream of back in 1980. However, nothing should be overbearing for the casual movie watcher either. It's a very good blend.



Would you believe that this dog is actually the killer? Me either...


The acting is predictable but it's pretty good considering the B status of Friday the 13th. It even features a young Kevin Bacon! I mean, it's not only Kevin Bacons first movie but his first gratuitous sex scene and first gratuitous ass shot! Yowza, what a combo!

I can’t include some of the best quotes and of course thee best scene in the movie due to the possibility of spoiling the movies ending, in fact I pretty much couldn’t use anything from the last 25 minutes of the movie due to the fact. So, you’re just going to have to watch Friday the 13th for yourself!

It’s been over 25 years since the original Friday the 13th came out and watching it today still proves it to be a really good scare!

Ki Ki Ki…Watch Watch Watch…

Sleepaway Camp

1 commentsSince July 8, 2007


When summer comes, every kid knows what happens, (At least in the 70’s and 80’s) it’s time to go to summer camp! The kids at Camp Arawak however, have no idea what’s about to hit them this year.

After Ricky and Angela are taken to camp, nothing seems to be quite like it used to be. Old friends and girlfriends have changed as well as the amount of kids attending this year. Kids are even mysteriously dying this year, leaving even fewer kids for ball games and socials.

Will Ricky and Angela survive the summer?



Would you beleive that this guy becomes head chef? Yeesh!


Sleepaway Camp is your typical summer camp, slasher movie. Lots of kids, lots of sexual tension and so on and so forth. Everything is in place for you to predict what happens in this movie. Or is it?

Sleepaway Camp has all of the cliche trademarks of a slasher film; except for the ending. It will totally catch you off guard and from what I've seen from peoples reactions, scare the shit out of you.

So what happens? You'll have to watch it to find out.


Death by Bees...in the tiolet...


Other than the ending, the name of the movie itself tells you a lot about it. It's pretty boring in between death scenes and there isn't a lot of new direction in those scenes. They just beat the same dead-horse-story-elements through the whole movie until the climax. Girl gets picked on. Girl gets picked on. Boy gets picked on. Boy is denied sex. Boy calls girl a bitch. It's enough to put you to sleep.

Another credit I have to give to Sleepaway is its creativeness in the Death scene department. There are a few that are very creative and seemingly new. Questionably creative is another way to put it, when you see a kid trapped in a bathroom stall die from a bee hive (See Video Below). Where did that idea com from? Then there are others that are boring and used though, Shower Death, Lake Death etc...

The acting is below average and it's no surprise. When you're watching most of these people interact and talk, you really start to think "Wow, Friday the 13th really spoiled me..."

Regardless, This movie is worth watching at least once for the ending. It's not a choice cut by any means but it will really pull you in from all of the drab, boring scenes and for some, it may even drive you away.

Sleeping Away Camp...Snorree....

Saw

4 commentsSince June 23, 2007


Imagine you wake up, not knowing where you are or how you got there. You look around and see nothing but darkness. The lights pop on and you notice you're surrounded by a frightening, life threatening situation. Suddenly you're greeted by a a very creepy puppet whom explains to you in a deep voice that if you don't make it out of this trap in a few hours, you will be left there to rot and your family will die...

This is what Adam and Dr. Gordon are faced with. They're forced to realize some horrible truths about, not only this seemingly, sadistic, serial killer, but about themselves too as they try to work together to beat the game.

Will they be able to escape this puzzling trap and save Dr. Gordons family or will they not be able to pick up the pieces?


"Live or die...make your choice..."

For a horror film fan, Saw has it all. It’s gory, sadistic, clever and of course, frightening. Because of these attributes, the movie also works on the average movie-goer. The twists and turns make this so that all can enjoy, even if you’re not big into gore or blood.

The average viewer may find the gore gross but upon seeing the movie, you’ll realize that it compliments the movie as apposed to trying to drive the squeamish away. Besides, with all of the mystery involved, you become more engrossed with trying to put all of the parts together; and the ending doesn’t leave you guessing or questioning its outcome.

As far as story is concerned, Saw doesn't do anything amazingly new. It does, however, take many old ideas from movies past and put them together to create a new horror experience. Think of it as a sort of Sadist-Gore-Mystery genre. Sure, other movies have been much gorier but Saw puts it all together in a way where the story doesn't suffer for the visual.


"Hey big boy. Need a lift?"


The actors are really able to hold this whole concept together. The acting is perfect for Saw. There are a few over-the-top (Ahem, Cary Elwes) sequences but they fit in decently with the situations. The cast does a good job to make sure all of these instances seem believable and authentic. Not to mention, Saw starts up a new horror villains career. Dubbed Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), he will go down as a favorite along with legends like Freddy and Jason.

Sure, Saw has great story-flow and twists but it would be nothing without its famous traps. The traps that Jigsaw brilliantly puts together are a huge part of what makes Saw unique. From trapping a drug addict in a room with a bear trap tied to her head, to trapping a fat man in a room with razor wire; it’s all here and it’s very intense to watch but you can’t look away.

General Audiences will get a huge kick out of Saw. Hardcore audiences may need a little more blood for their buck but if you can get past the need for more gore, then this movie becomes very enjoyable. It has a very clever twist ending and many interesting scenes and that makes up for any loss of blood.

Watch it or miss out...make your choice...

Bubba Ho-Tep

1 commentsSince May 30, 2007


Elvis Presley has been dead for a long time; or has he? Apparently he still lives -- in a nursing home in Texas under the moniker of Sebastian Haff. He also has a list of regrets almost as big as his catalog of music.

He meets up with a black man who believes he is John F. Kennedy and they quickly become friends but their reminiscing about the old times is interrupted when they find out that some kind of ancient, evil mummy is attacking people in their nursing home.

They realize that they need to do something about the crazy mummy that is sucking souls through all of the old folks assholes or else they too may have their right of passage to heaven sucked from their sphincter.



"No one fucks with the king!"

The creator of the Phantasm series, Don Coscarelli (Not to mention, Bruce Campbell) is back! This time he has done something different though. This is not so much a dream world as it is the real world, with real people who have real problems...like dealing with a real mummy.

That's the best part of Bubba Ho-Tep, the concept. The idea that two old people, but not just old people, two icons, one from american history and one the king of rock'n roll, are together in battling a mummy from ancient Egypt. Absolute genius!

I also don't think that they could've gotten better actors for the roles. Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis add so much character to thier...welll...characters that you fall in love with their relationship immediately.


Beleive it or not, this isn't one of the elderly people in the home.


Bubba Ho-Tep is one of the best examples of a horror, comedy that I've ever seen, next to Shaun of the Dead. Bubba Ho-Tep is more dialogue or conversation funny than it is situational funny. Most of the best parts of the film are actually just Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis bantering with each other and with those that inhabit the nursing home. This, of course, roots from the fact that the movie stems from a short story.

Even though it was once a short story, the movie is perfectly paced. On the short amount of time that Elvis introduces us to his life-long problems, meeting and greeting JFK and still fighting off a mummy; you feel like you've learned enough about the characters and their current mind-states to satisfy your thirst for souls.

If you are a Bruce Campbell fan, a Mummy fan, old people fan, JFK supporter, fan of conversational and dry humor then Bubba Ho-Tep is for you. If you like a lot of action or situational humor then this movie probably isn't going to fit your fancy. I would say, however that since It's received a choice cut award that it is worth checking out, regardless of your preference.

Hail to the King Baby!

The Evil Dead

1 commentsSince May 3, 2007


Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his friends are heading to a cabin to relax from college for a weekend. Little do they know that there is an unseen evil unlike any other lurking around that cabin. It's finally summoned when they find an old tape recorder and play back it's contents. Now Ash and his friends are falling victim to it one by one through-out the night. Will Ash and his friends be able to survive till sunrise?


"Grandma's havin' one of her gull-dern episodes again!"

What is there to say about a movie that is in such classic B movie status as Evil Dead? Evil Dead and it's sequels (which I'll have videos up for in the future) is about as perfect of an example of the best gory B horror movie as you can get. I've gone over in my mind about how to tell people about it and found that the only real way is to just explain and talk about it as though you haven't seen the film, as if you were an Evil Dead pup.

Evil Dead, in essence is a demon possession movie with demons who do very grotesque things to the victims body and anyone in the way. They bite their own hands off, then stab a girl in the ankle, fend Ash off, throw a girl, get knocked down, fake death, come back, rinse and repeat and then get hacked into many different pieces; this all happens in one scene.

That's another thing about Evil Dead is that there aren't many scenes that are easy to pluck out and stick into a video review or trailer because many of them last a long time. As apposed to Ash finishing off a demon within seconds, he is left struggling with it for a while before he can fend it off or kill it. Whether he is stuck under a bookcase, being choked or just doesn't have the heart to cut up his girlfriend, Ash is always ready to be reluctant.


Not Macho? Are you sure?


In the video I mention this movie to be before its time because the camera work, though not the best, shows Sam Raimi coming out and doing something new. The camera angles are genius at times. The idea that we're seeing through objects, that the objects make sounds as the camera passes by them and uses the camera as a means for demon travel. All of this suggests that the house and the woods are alive, which really helps to scare anyone because no one is safe, anywhere. (And yes, Sam Raimi is the Spiderman Guy now, just in case that's what you were wondering. He did The Evil Dead way before any of that came about.)

At times, there even feels like there is a foreign/artistic side to the movie. A particular scene is where Ash has a necklace to give to his girlfriend and sweet music plays as he opens the box for the camera and he doesn't say a word. It's odd to see a some what beautiful scene like this in a horror movie but it just fits.

The movie isn't without it's flaws, however; this is a B movie after all. Considering that it has continuity problems all through-out it (visible equipment, blood and scratches changing location, visual skin through the demon masks and props, etc.) this doesn't change the fact that the movie captured a certain feeling and charm that many others failed to do. It's just goes to show that talented people can create amazing things without millions of dollars.

Evil Dead really set a mark for movies, regardless of it's obvious low budget. The things that the filmmakers did to make it stand out really helped it along to become something of a diamond in the rough. It has gore and can be disgusting, it has an artistic side, it has jumps and screams but it also has charm and ingenuity. If you're any kind of fan of B movies, The Evil Dead must be in your collection.

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Parasite

0 commentsSince April 26, 2007


Paul Dean is dying and on the run. In an undated future, a man who once worked for the government creating super secret parasites, has now turned his back on them and become a fugitive. While housing one of the leeches in his own body, he dodges an agent and tries to find a cure for his infested stomach all at the same time.

He ends up in a little community that consists of desert, a couple of houses, a hotel and a garage that is shelter for a gang of thugs. As if Paul needed more on his plate of things to look out for, the gang starts roughing him up, so he finds the aid of a town girl named Patricia (Demi Moore). Together, they try to survive against a life eating parasite and what the harsh world has become.


"Hi, I'm Paul Dean. I am very sweaty, I have two first names and a bug
in my stomach. Care to share some soup?"



In the future, government agents drive Lamborghini's! At least that's what Parasite, the futuristic 3D blood-sucking bug movie would have you believe. That's right, Parasite was originally intended to be and was released as a 3D movie. Most movies that are 3D don't really have much in the way of content because they're trying to support the gimmick and believe me, Parasite just adds to that pile of gimmicky monster movies.

Parasite really is a mixed bag. There are some scenes that are pretty creepy or gory yet entertaining while there are others that are boring or cheesy (yet still entertaining) or just contradict the whole idea that Paul is on the run and that the agent after him has any idea what he's doing. While watching it, you'll wish that you had the 3D glasses to see all of the scenes where you know that it's really enjoyable.


"This is Petey the Parasite reminding you to eat healthy and exercise!"


The casting is give and take. Personally, I think Paul Dean is odd looking and doesn't really give off the vibe of a hero type. He plays a doctor, but he is pushed into a hero role where he not only has to save himself, but others around him as well. I guess you could say that he doesn't look the part because in essence, he really is just a doctor but I'm not going to dig that deep. Besides, he's a very creepy looking doctor anyway; I wouldn't let him work on me. Parasite also features Demi Moore in her "first starring" role. The DVD boasts this fact and is very proud of it.

What I was really shocked about was the music. The music is good for this kind of movie, when you usually have to just deal with orchestral jabs and such. After I did a bit of research I found out that the man behind the music for Parasite, Richard Band, is the man who is also behind the music for classic B movies like The Reanimator Series, The Puppetmaster series and From Beyond (which he actually won an Academy Award for).

It's a good idea to check out everyone else who was involved in the making of Parasite on IMDB.com. For a not-so-great movie, there are a lot of recognizable b movie names in there.

My ultimate concern with Parasite is that it takes itself too seriously. There are a few scenes that are funny based on bad editing or acting but for the most part, it's just boring because everyone makes the whole movie very important and proper. What usually makes a B horror film experience swell is the fact that the actors take the part seriously but in a different direction, to the point where they forget the topic at hand. Which in turn makes their over-acting show in a glorious way. Luckily, Parasite has the bit-parters to hold up the bad acting and cheesy lines.

If you're looking for that typical boring-saturday-afternoon type movie, Parasite really shines. If you don't mind your futuristic parasite infestation movies to be a little drab and boring in between the decent and gory scenes, then you may enjoy this B movie. If you're looking for constant cheesiness or frightful moments, it's probably best to get your life sucked away elsewhere.


I've heard of regretting waking up next to a monster the next morning,
but this is ridiculous!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

3 commentsSince April 10, 2007


Mike and Debbie are on top of the world, literally, that's what the local make-out spot is called, when they see a shooting star. Instead of staying there and scoring, they decide to go and inspect it.

Before they get there, a local old man has the same idea while going to hunt for food. Him and his dog Pooh march out to the woods and the old man is just starstruck by what he sees. A giant big top tent, but this one is obviously different than what he remembers as a kid. As the old man investigates, Pooh disappears and the old man gets angry. He finds that he is not alone; there are clowns. He is shot by the clowns and never seen again.

Upon looking for it, all they see is a big top tent, so they go inside to check it out. They find a very weird place, nothing like any big top they've been to before. Via Elevator, they find a room full of cotton candy that hangs individually like pods and inspect them. Debbie feels weird about them, so mike rips a piece off to show her it's okay but to their horror, they see a bloody human face inside!

They quickly hide when they hear a noise. It's a clown! The clown is walking around and fiddling with some levers and buttons until Mike says something a little to loud and they sprint for the elevator.

A couple of clowns chase them but Mike and Debbie escape and try to tell the local police about it. The clowns aren't going to take this laying down, so they all gather together and start to walk into town and that is when the clowny carnage begins.


"Where the hell is the Pepto? I always get an upset stomach on the tilt-a-whirl."


I have been watching this movie since I was a kid. I hadn't heard of it when it was released but in those days we didn't have OnDemand, so HBO would hook people up with free service for about a month every year. So we recorded it on a VHS tape (which we actually still have) which was watched probably a million times.

Now the question I keep asking myself is would I be as much of a fan of this movie if I had never seen it before? My answer is yes. I still buy B horror movies often; the box sets and the sales are all top game. So eventually, I would have come across this bad boy and absolutely loved it. I also figured that it can't just be the memories considering the gags in the movie are hilarious and some are just downright genius.

Out of all of the great ingredients in this movie, the best thing about it is probably the title. You know from the get-go that the Chiodo brothers were making a B horror movie and that's all there was to it. Killer, good, Klowns, mispelled and heading in the right direction -- from outer space; hot damn!

The clowns get-up is scary as hell. They have huge disgusting teeth and their laugh is what haunts children's dreams. For the first half of the movie, you are welcomed to laugh along with the fun but eventually you start to realize that there is a real serious danger going on here. They have come to feed and won't stop until the humans are wiped out.

The budget for the movie was two million, which is not a lot by yesterdays or todays standards but they really made it stretch in this movie. For a B movie, everything looks realistic and to a lesser extent, convincing. Sure, it's not all completely perfect, it is a B movie after-all but the feeling is present through the whole thing and that's what's important.

Unfortunately, I needed to keep the video from being too long so I was only able to include a few scenes. I had to leave some amazing scenes out that I'm a bit ashamed about but I had to make sure all the bases were covered, from funny to genius to scary. This is why you need to go and buy the dvd. Not to mention, all of the special behind the scenes special features that it has. It has over an hour of how they performed the gags and effects and it's really interesting.

Despite anything you see or hear, if you're a fan of B horror, you must own this movie; it's a classic! It's also earned a Choice Cut award from The Cut Up and deservingly so. Kudos to you, Chiodo Brothers! May your killer klowns sequel see the light of day!


"King Klown, beast of the big top! 9th wonder of the world!"

The Dentist

1 commentsSince April 6, 2007


Many people are afraid of doctors. Whether they're surgeons, practitioners or pediatricians, people become antsy around them as if every one of them is a malpractice trial waiting to happen. We all know this isn't true but what if your fear did come to life though? Your doctor messes up on a procedure and leaves you in a state, incapable of doing something that you could before. Perhaps a procedure for your teeth?

Meet Alan, he's a dentist. Everything in his life seems to be perfect. He has a beautiful house, a gorgeous wife, a muscular pool boy; everything is right in the world. Alan, However, has a problem. He's a bit off his rocker, stating that he hates the decay of not only teeth but of people and the world.

It's Alan's anniversary with his wife and everything was supposed to go perfectly. Until he gets suspicious from seeing his wife wearing nothing underneath her robe while the pool boy is around. Alan leaves for work but decides to come back and catches his wife in the act with the pool boy but decides to let it be...for now.

The movie continues on and Alan goes through the day imagining his patients as his wife or day dreams about his cheating wife and keeps messing up on procedures for the patients. An IRS agent is on his back about his taxes as well. Slowly, he gets crazier and crazier until he just can't take it anymore.

One nosy nurse, one Opera themed dentist room, several dead people and one dead dog later the dentist finds himself being chased by the cops which escalates into a very unsatisfying ending.


"So, you've been coming for your six month check-ups right?"


The Dentist character is a clean freak, for your very soul! He is the enemy of decay! The guy playing him does a decent job but they could have turned this into a much better movie. The potential and idea was there but the overall execution didn't quite pull it off.

I think the movie did one of the things it meant to by scaring the normal person into giving a second thought to their own dentist but I also think that the pacing could have been revamped a bit. The beginning of the movie goes so damn slow that you almost forget that it's supposed to be about a crazy dentist. Once the scenes show up where he is working on patients though, you're rewarded. Scenes like him drilling and ruining teeth, over clamping jobs and stabbing tongues are all here and are all things that would make the people-afraid-of-dentists cringe.

I was also surprised by the special effects but then at other times I was disappointed. All of the tooth shots look so fake, it's laughable while other scenes where they show blood actually look pretty realistic.

My biggest gruff with this movie is what he does to his wife. He pulls out her teeth to teach her for sucking the pool boys cock but in my mind, that doesn't seem like a fitting punishment especially when the pool boy might be getting a perk out of that deal. Also, the fact that he loves Opera isn't brought up until halfway through the movie when we're introduced to his Opera themed dentist room. This is a biggie because it's what tames him at the end of the movie and stops him from killing more. You'd think they would have beefed the Opera idea up a bit more.

This movie isn't horrible but it's not good either. All in all I would say that it's more on the bad side due to the pacing and dialog. The pacing slows down to a crawl when it should be running full force and the dialog is supposed to be cheesy but comes off as too serious from most of the actors. I would suggest watching this movie if you have an appointment the next day; it might make you reschedule.

Slugs

4 commentsSince March 30, 2007


Slugs, though slimy, are a very innocent. Laying in dark, damp areas all day and coming out at night to eat grass and other assorted green veggies that you may have growing in your garden. However, if these slugs were growing together in a town that used to be a toxic waste dump while Halloween is approaching, you can bet that these same slugs are going to try and rip your head off.

It starts with Mike Brady...Well, not yet. it starts with a guy and his gal in a boat. The gal wants to swim but the guy does not. She begins to disrobe but he falls in. As she pleas with him that it isn't funny, all she can see is a big blood bubble rise in the water!




Ahem, now it starts with Mike Brady. he's an important guy in town. So important, in fact, that he is meeting the chief of police in the morning to help evict a drunk from his home! The system does work! Once they get there though, all they find is a mutilated body and sludge on the floor.

Complaints ensue about the sewer and deaths are happening all too often. After finding out about the town being built on a toxic waste dump, seeing big, no, ENORMOUS slugs and one dead hamster they eventually point to one final alternative: Killer Mutant Slugs and they're breeding in the Sewers!

Then Mike Brady and his trusty sidekick from the sanitation department go all out to try and save the town, even if they destroyed half of it in the process.



I'm not even sure where to begin here. From the acting and dialog to the music and sound. This movie is the perfect example of the B horror movie feeling.

The guy who plays Mike Brady does a great job of overacting yet never acting all at once. His face never changes, he always has that caveman expression on his face and he thinks everyone is an asshole for not believing his slugs theory. He is a man to look up to!

He's not the only one though, all of the acting is so amateurish in this movie that I don't know if I can give anyone credit in this movie for it. The only one who I think had a shred of charisma is the sanitation guy with the ugly wife. The only reason he wasn't the lead is probably because he doesn't have the face for it. The best thing to watch in this movie though are peoples reactions to the situations. You will laugh out loud at them.

The script for this movie must have been written by a slug because some of the things they say range from stupid to, what the hell is he talking about? I can't believe the things that people would actually say on camera. Didn't anyone even think 'hey, this doesn't sound right...' or 'why don't I say it like this'? All I know is when a powerful city official stands up and tells you 'You don't have the authority to declare happy birthday!' then you know something is foul.

Speaking of script, the movies setting was supposed to take place during Halloween, but you wouldn't know that because they only refer to it maybe once or twice and there are abolsutely no Halloween decorations anywhere! There is one pumpkin at a party that the high school kids go to; that's it! Where are the trick or treaters? Where are the houses covered in decor? Where is the god-damn candy?

As far as music and sound, this movie uses the same music over and over like a Scooby Doo cartoon. Some of the music sounds creepy but some other music sounds like it was ripped from Dukes of Hazard. The sound is stupid. They try to add in those cues for the jump scare but the jump was never there to begin with. Who edited this movie?



I really wish the title of this was Killer Mutant Slugs but it was based on a book by Shaun Hutson, so apparently they had to keep the title. Shaun is so embarrassed by it though that he tells people to stay away from it!

I assure you he isn't saying that just because he is embarrassed because the movie is really that bad. I would only suggest this movie for those who know what they're getting into. If you hate B horror that is cheesy to the fullest extent, then avoid this. However, if you like to watch movies that are awful with your friends on a Friday night with a pizza in tow, it's highly suggested.

The Nun

1 commentsSince March 26, 2007

When you think of nuns, the idea of them being evil isn't too surprising. Considering the fact that they pledge their lives against the powers of Satan, have to wear outdated attire and that most of them have never been laid, it's not hard to imagine they would be pissed off. Especially if one were killed by her students.

We start with a crazy sequence of some girl students at a catholic school all talking and giggling and then the nun approaches. They rush to their seats and act as though they're being their quiet, polite selves. The nun suddenly finds that one of the girls is writing a note and forces her to eat it. The nun then grabs the girl by the neck and with some supernatural powers, flings her up against the wall. Then the woman wakes up, it was only a dream.

Then we zoom to a graduation party and with the main character Eva and her friends partying. We find Eva is flirting around and ends up down in the basement making-out with some guy. Someone turns the water on her and we zoom back to the house where the woman woke up.

She becomes disoriented and starts putting many things away. Things that look like scrap books and photos. She hears a noise and asks "Is that you Eva?" Of course, there is no reply so she goes to inspect. Once in the kitchen, she sees that the drain is full of water. She begins to plunge it with no success. Then many odd things happen and we start to see a figure forming in the water. At this time, Eva pulls up, gets out of her vehicle and shuts her door. As she goes to walk inside, we see the woman struggling and the figure turning into a nun. Eva then walks into the kitchen and finds her mother slashed at the throat and the nun figure leap away.

The police show up and question everyone. They declare it a suicide, ignoring Eva's cries that she saw someone. The movie then take many turns and leads to the explaination of Eva's mother, and then some.




I think the movie starting out with the nun having powers would've made for a more entertaining B movie because The Nun was way too predictable. You could tell the ending before the movie really got started.

As with all psycho-(ill)logical thriller movies, there are huge continuity issues and nothing ever adds up. I wish these films would take the time to explain to us just how the killer had the time and the provisions to pull off such stunts. Please?

The water effects in the movie were pretty cool to watch, for the most part. The nun looked kind of silly in some scenes due to the make up and water "wubble" effect they put on her as she floats but most of the time she was effective. Once you get to the end though, you can't help but feel like the director or whoever found out how to do all kinds of tricks with water and a camera and decided to use them all in a film.




All kidding and damning aside, the movie is not completely awful. There are some very entertaining scenes. I think what really kills this movie is that it should have been about eighty minutes tops, but it crawls to almost an hour and forty. Those scenes worth checking out happen to few and far between to make it cohesively entertaining. You kind of find yourself wondering "When is the next death?" when you know this isn't a slasher movie. The story, clues and execution of the surprise ending in a thriller should be the driving force, where in The Nun they're not, they're just tacked on cheaply.

Too be fair, The Nun is not a true B movie. There was a bigger budget for this movie than the normal B movie would get and the dialog, though not quotable, isn't too laughable; it's just boring. It's a very mainstream release, even considering the title and DVD cover. If you enjoy all of those Scream-esque movies, this one will probably thrill you just as much. If you like a more ridiculous B movie like the Leprechaun Series or the Evil Dead Series, don't bother with this one.




Leprechaun in the Hood

2 commentsSince March 20, 2007


Evil's in the House indeed with Leprechaun 5. Since the abysmal disaster that was Leprechaun in Space, we now have a whole new spin on the universe of the Lep. I was treated to a viewing of this movie just recently (Just in time for St. Patty's Day!) and now shall you be served a review of it, along with your cold corned beef and cabbage.

The movie starts off strong with Mack Daddy (Ice T) and a crony of his finding their way to the Leprechauns (Warwick Davis) now dark and cold home. Mack Daddy is after the Leps magical flute, even though we never find out how he knows it's magical. We soon find out that it has brought him wealth, health and lots of success.

Being the head of a gangsta rap label is hard work, but it's even harder trying to become large as a positive rap group. In steps Stray Bullet, Butch and Postmaster P (Anthony Montgomery). They suck, is the consensus and they need something that can bring them to the top and fast before the big battle of the bands in Las Vegas.

In pops Mack Daddy with all of his money and fame. Since Stray Bullet seems to know Mack, he gets them a sort of tryout for the label. Mack Daddy doesn't like what he hears but they're hungry so he'll give him a shot. The only catch is they need to give up their positive outlook and go gangsta. Postmaster P is not swayed and so Mack kicks them the hell out!

So then they decide to get back at Mack, by stealing his shit! They end up going gangsta after all! When they arrive at Macks place, they didn't count on one thing; stealing the wrong necklace that keeps the Leprechaun in stone form!

Once they take the necklace, and Macks flute, they are thrown in a crazy adventure about rapping, killing, getting large and arguments about physical and meta-physical phenomenon.


Starring in this movie caused Ice-T's face to bleed!


Personally, I have not seen all of the Leprechaun movies. 1 and 2, I couldn't finish the horrible piece of crap that was 4 and I just recently watched 5. I'd have to say that after watching 5, it kind of helped out the series considering 4. Once you go "In Space!" usually there is no going back. However, Leprechaun has never been about continuity. With every movie, new rules are introduced and taken away. One scene may have the Leprechaun die a certain way, the next may have him immune to it. One movie ends in space, the next begins in the hood. You can't follow it, so don't try.

Really, the plot of this movie doesn't get too ridiculous until they add the Lep in there. When it's about 3 guys trying to make it big "Hey, go for it guys!" but when it's 3 guys trying to make it big while a Leprechaun is after his loot that they stole, well things get a bit crazy.

"I said I'm wearing green y'all! I'm short and can't be seen y'all!"


I couldn't help but wonder why Butch wouldn't get out of Compton based on his scholarly feats. The guy knew all about mixing chemicals and such so why not go and be a pharmacist and forget the rap? Because then we wouldn't have a Lep in the Hood!

Either way, if I was using a rating system of any kind, this movie would get 2 and a half pots of gold out of 5. The plot is crazy, the slapstick humor exists, there is just too much pop culture mashing here to pass up at least one sit through of this. Hopefully I can get my hands on Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood soon and make a comparison. From scenes of the Lep ripping off Macks finger to the final scene where Butch and Postmaster P dress up in drag and almost go down on the Lep to get the flute back, it's going to be hard to top.

Word.